I Tried Monogamy Again and Failed
Bottom Betch Issue #9: A Listical on Toxic Masculinity
Dear Nemo,
After my most recent foray into non-hierarchical polyamory (I), I tried monogamy again with you and failed. Well, not exactly monogamy — a “one-penis-policy” (II), “don’t ask don’t tell” (III), “monogamish” (IV) structure. Let me tell you why those load-bearing walls are not structurally sound.They have a foundation of toxic masculinity.
We have to start with the bi-erasure (V). It’s fucking confusing to be able to keep my romantic feelings and sexual attraction toward women on but to have to turn them off for a man. During our time together, I did meet a girl, with whom I wanted to explore a relationship (P.S. I am still taking you out on a date when you come back to New York). I felt empowered to advocate for time and touch with her. I even checked in with you the last time she and I fucked.
When it came to a male crush I developed, I had to suppress my feelings — keeping a holy ghost between us every time we hung out. I made the mistake of tripping with him and it made the attraction stronger. The next time, my Venus in Aries (VI) went for the prey. I’m sorry I hurt you, but I chose to love myself. I chose my full bisexual, polyamorous expression.
The second weak pillar was the “don’t ask don’t tell” boundary I asked of you. I knew deep down you still had a relationship with your baby-mama and I was trying to protect myself from the pain. But I needed the pain to understand that the relationship was not working. I could have been able to learn to manage by jealousy —to appreciate the unique role she plays in your life and the unique role I do — but you didn’t let me. And I turned a blind eye.
To be honest, I don’t know what relationship structure works best for me yet. I know I’ve served my tenure in the poly scene and I keep coming back. At this moment, I align most with “solo-polyamory” — I am my own primary partner and I put my needs before any other relationship. I also have lovers from a social commune of sorts, which collectively serve as the mirror of my sexuality.
(I) Non-hierarchical polyamory
Non-hierarchical poly is the practice of having multiple simultaneous relationships without distinguishing hierarchies. This means there is no ranking system of primary and secondary and no one partner has more influence than the others. (Poly Secure)
(II) One-Penis Policy (OPP)
In theory, polyamory is a form of consensual non-monogamy (CNM) that allows people of any gender to have partners of any gender. In practice, it can be incredibly difficult for some heterosexual men to allow their vulva-owning partners to have penis-owning partners, but they allow their vulva-owning partners to have unlimited vulva-owning partners. (Psychology Today)
(III) Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell (DADT)
A don’t ask, don’t tell (or DADT) relationship is one where one or both partners have permission to be involved with other people but have agreed not to share information about those extracurriculars. These arrangements are often one-sided, where only one of the partners is doing the sleeping around or otherwise enjoys a non-equitable arrangement. (Medium)
(IV) Monogamish
Coined by sex columnist Dan Savage, this term refers to couples who are for the most part, sexually and emotionally exclusive but periodically engage in extramarital or extra-relational sex or sexual play. (Poly Secure)
(V) Bi-Erasure
Bisexual erasure or bisexual invisibility questions or denies outright the existence or legitimacy of bisexuality, whether applied to an individual or on principle. It is often based on the premise that one person cannot be attracted to more than one gender, or that someone is not “bi-enough” (Zachary Zane).
(VI) Venus in Ares
“Venus in Aries encourages you to take any dreams and fantasies you might’ve been dwelling on and take action. In love, Venus in Aries can feel like a battlefield—there are no rules!” (Cosmopolitan)