My Quarantine at Walden Pond
Bottom Betch Issue #4: Is There Room for Self-Reliance in Relationships?
I. Dear Thoreau,
Fuck You.
II. O Captain, My Captain!
I am currently watching “Dead Poets Society” while quarantined alone and the world expects me to be okay. Well, I’m not okay and it’s your fucking fault. You had to take Transcendentalism way too far, you pencil-pushing prick.
I get why you and Emerson were upset — slavery and the Mexican American War (1846-48) were pretty fucked up and we haven’t made much progress as a nation since. It takes a complete abandonment of Reason to blindly believe Alejandria Ocasio Cortez is a satanic cannibal preying on children. She’s my homegirl from Parkchester.
And yes, it logically follows that you would value extreme individualism and self-reliance. But when Emerson said, “the great man is he who in the midst of the crowd keeps with perfect sweetness the independence of solitude,” he didn’t mean to build a house from the boards of a chicken coop in buttfuck Massachusetts and to isolate from society for two years. He meant to occasionally take an introspective walk in Nature.
I also don’t understand how you convinced Emerson to give you a piece of his land to do it. Probably because you are as fucking manipulative as me when I feel out of control. When my partner and I were first diagnosed with COVID, he asked for some space. But after a few days alone, I threw a temper tantrum on the internet and he caved. To be honest, we almost broke up and I am trying to make sense of everything.
Self-reliance didn’t work. Because it’s not fucking human.
III. Shall I Compare Thee to a Summer’s Day?
Studies have shown that when you form a romantic partnership with someone, the two of you become biologically attached. Our partner regulates our blood pressure, our heart rate, our breathing, and the levels of hormones in our blood. Despite the variations in the way people with different attachment styles cope, we are all genetically programmed to depend on someone else. There’s no room for self-reliance in relationships —or is there?
It’s pretty obvious that I have an insecure-anxious attachment style. I desperately crave emotional and physical intimacy; I am always preoccupied with my relationships; and I go manic trying to gauge my partner’s flight risk. I learned as a child to anticipate that my partners will not take my needs seriously, or make themselves available, unless I make a scene.
The relationship strategies I once used to survive — but are no longer serving me — are called “protest behaviors.” Excessive calling, keeping score, threatening to leave, playing the victim, or any action that tries to re-establish intimacy with my partner tends to have the opposite effect. My fear of abandonment becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy when I act on it.
In contrast, those with a secure attachment style had parents who were sensitive, available, and responsive to their protest behavior as babies. As adults, they expect others to be understanding and responsive. Secure people also anticipate that their partners will communicate their needs back, so expressing feelings vulnerably comes naturally to them.
According to you, I am pathologically weak for having an insecure attachment style. But how can my partner act as a secure base for me if he is also having a difficult time?
IV. The Road Less Traveled
I’m an engineer so I like practical, empirically-based solutions. I looked to my healthiest friendships for examples of secure attachment and effective communication.
The Gabby Method
“Whenever you feel like you’re dumping too much onto a partner, or aren’t exactly sure WHAT you’re feeling, I always suggest writing a letter to them. You’re speaking to them, but the lettered format allows you to get your feelings out uninterrupted. Then, you can either stash the letter away or show it to your partner. Either way, you’ve allowed yourself to release emotionally with this practice.”
The Abby Method
“After I’ve already done the work on my own of journaling and meditating on whatever is bothering me, and still feel I need to talk to you, I make a point of checking in before emotionally dumping. I let you know that I am having a difficult time and ask if you are emotionally available for a heavy conversation. If you aren’t, I trust that you will communicate to me when you think you will be able to have that conversation and you will reassure me that I am loved right now.”
The Lluvia Method
“Sometimes we are scheduled to have a Facetime after work, and I’ve just had the worst fucking day. While giving you as much notice as I can, I ask if we can reschedule for another time and give you some options. I trust that you know when I cancel on you it has nothing to with how much I love you. By being flexible and holding space for my limitations, you help me be more vulnerable in sharing the rest of my feelings with you and I feel greater intimacy in our friendship.”
I strongly believe our partners are here to help us become the best person we can be, as we are for them. But finding the balance between self-reliance and interdependence hasn’t proven to be a walk in the woods. We are going to continue to fuck up — to emotionally dump, to hide our need for space or intimacy, to act defensive when we get called out — but I believe healthy attachment is possible if three principles I learned from my friends remain true:
We commit to grow together.
We practice introspection and radical honesty.
We hold ourselves accountable to our own growth.
Thoreau was not nearly as independent as he liked to purport in WALDEN. He went into town all the time to get pies from his mama - who also did his damn laundry for him! Emerson was definitely sick of him scribbling away on his land gratis at the end of the experiment and wanted him out of that shed, lol
Fascinating to read about that cycle of attachment and recognize how much of it is both expected and lionized in romantic stories in film. Now I need to read up on attachment styles! :)